JAde Abacus

How do I capture in words the way I feel?
What do I say?
I'm gonna have to stumble
over my thoughts until I get this one right.

There are the streets I walk down in search of the jade abacus.
Count them one, two, three, four.
My hands wait to touch the cool wet stone that holds the promise
Heal my pain.

So its as if I leave behind a trail for you to find me. A scribble here with these words I tell you a story. Written on the seat of a bench so that you might see it while you wait for whatever it is you hope is coming your way. Maybe if you see it then you will know you are not alone. I was here once too but I guess I must have missed you. That moment it first hits you is when love breaks through the barriers that separates us all.
And then it's gone.
I stop to ask for direction to, the name of the street, Shanghai Alley in downtown Vancouver. I didn't understand at the time why the man and woman gave me a look that made me feel dirty. I told them I was looking for the jade abacus that was just unveiled the other day. They eased up. The place was not far they told me where to go.
I found it. Walking down the small alley with apartment complexes on either side there it was. It looked like a gateway into another world. Vertical bars rose up and polished jade stones sat neatly stacked. Just waiting for our hands.
Set in front of open sky and green grass.
I stood on one side and moved them around.
You walked by and paused.
I told you jade is a healing stone.
From the other side you reached out
to feel the weight of the stone as it moved up. I wondered what you thought of.
As the rain fell,
I walked to the park that was beyond. Up the small hill I saw a water park. Water cascading down blocks, stepping stones that spanned across a shallow pond. I walked over it and jumped up there onto the blocks that made a small waterfall. To the top and then I saw the needle disposal units set up.
What is this place.
It's so pretty here and then this? Junkies hang out here, it's different by night. No wonder the couple back down the street gave me that look when I asked where the alley was.
I thought of the people there at night. Too stoned and wanting for their next hit to even notice the peace that this park had to offer. I sat down on a concrete block with the water running down beside me. I imagined the hollowed out feeling of someone who was here before.
Searching for something to live for.
That's when I saw it. I looked down. And the words were there. At first it looked like a part of the weathered lines that marked the stone. I could barely read it. Written with marker. Couldn't have been there long. I'm sure it will fade away forever quite soon. So I wrote it down in my notebook I had in my purse. With me it stays.
"I got.... ...... ......
not and love is and won't always be a part of ...
only path of my live.... ..... ....
but i'm calm and in my bliss ..his... baby boy 4 ever
is this your wish I could kiss her wish I tell her how sorry and ...I ...
.much I need her her love keeps me warm."

Who wrote it I don't know, but I found it and if the one he meant if for never knows at least I do. So where I had come to with only my eyes I could see. I began to feel release from the past and maybe all those hard feelings I thought you had were not so.

A heart that holds the message of love, just can't always be seen through all the things that get in the way.
Sometimes I thought you hated me. I thought you were blind to the love I had for you. Always chasing down the superficial experience that disguises itself and tricks your mind into believing you've found something worth dying for. I left you a note once inside a small container meant for ketamine. My love is for real I said.
I know you found the words,
did they break through to you.
I'll never know.
I am standing up against the wall. I leave a message for whoever finds it.
Maybe one day it will be me. I'll think back to who I was and realize
I'm standing in the same place. Still looking for that jade abacus.
Looking for love. Waiting and hoping silently for you.