r u better now?

hung over mornings

black out
nights

what is it about this
that you call life?

Heart Hopes

my soul waits
in this
tired body
lies on this
hardwood floor

my heart hopes

cause i'm tired
my soul waits
in this
worn out world
for a moment
for a realization
that its about
giving your
contribution

my heart hopes

for me
just to be
clear my head
of all this debris

Just release from this fear
that's been takin up a better part of me
after all these years

'cause I have stood in front
and I have stood behind
becoming so much more
certain now

I left me just to be
but I left myself behind
So I got more than I had bargained for
and still I couldn't take it with me

'cause there's so much more
to living life just for... me
becoming so much more
certain now

'cause I'm turning towards it
now I am burning for it
so much more

'cause what I'm waiting for
is a realization

Forsight of Addiction

I am falling over sober
I am crashing when I'm drunk
It's either you
or me
or something
but it's so fucking fucked up

So now I'm starting over
all alone
Over all alone

The mistaking sins I might pull off
appear to be innocent
after I just think I screwed it up
somehow
but I was always fine

To make decisions based on trust in another
more than trust in me
All too deep when I'm with you

Coming Down

i am coming down
with a pipe in my hand
and you by my side

i know you see me
but i am not what u
want when we are

coming down
from this tremendously
devastating high

so now i

i rip up the pages
that i have filled
into tiny shred

of all the lies
that were put
into my head

i smoke another cigarette
to feel the nicotine
sting my lips

all to not remember

but i remember
the luxury of
days and nights
of getting high

i tried to toss away
so many times

i rip up the pages
i have unwritten
still inside my head
to erase the pain
of all the lies
he once said

i still think about
the times i laid down
on the floor looking up
into his searching eyes
and hoped he would find me there
and he'd whisper to me his thoughts
i'd otherwise never have the chance to hear
and i'd try to listen through the dull tones ringing in my ears
and whisper back to him through the din how i still loved him through this all, withdrawl.

LASTING IMPRESSION

We cast our own shadows in life
Down long avenues with dead end signs

Where the devil sits
on his blanket
underneath the trees
waiting to seduce
our minds with his
Sweet candy Lies
Down across the grass
Stares up at the clouds
Life passes us by as a
Spider spins her web
Above our heads

We cast our own shadows in life
Down long avenues with dead end signs

Tomorrow morning will be better.

Maybe the solution is to forget about everything.

Nothing from the past matters.

All there is. Is now. And Tomorrow.

This Consequence

the kidds are running
in the hallways

throwing cupcakes
at passing cars

recording girl fights
on their cell phone cameras

cutting at their arms
in bathroom stalls

masterbating
into the urinals

fifteen year olds
talk about crack like its candy

what consequence can they be given
that isn't worse than what they've already done to themselves?



A prayer for the wicked
EVOL ME ... EM LOVE
there are no urgencies
in these voices
no
no
no
their hope sits perched
upon the highest branches
then
floats
off
on the breeze like a melody
so
so
so
meloncholy
with heartached stained memories
they close their eyes to dream
and recite stoic prayers into the mourning

broken door

There were empty places in their hearts where they didn't let the light shine.

How far into the darkness would you go? Have you gone? Would you go?

To find the ones you love. The ones who're lost. I would go. I have gone.

I would go there again. I will always find you. Where is my sunshine?

I can't deal without it.

Fuck You - (for actually caring when nobody else did)

to just sit here
it is hard to just sit here
after two drinks
and limit myself
to seeing only just
what is there before me

if i looked into your eyes
it would be too much
and i would have to look
away from you
i think i become one
too quickly
and there is no space
left in between
you
and
me

so i sit here
after two drinks
and limit myself
to seeing
only
what there is
before me
fuck you

i sit here quietly
and stare
in this bar
waiting for words
your words
deny my existence
are you even listening

i sit here and be like
whatever
you want me to be
but really i want to
grab this beer bottle
and smash it
against the wall

you tell me what
i should do like
as if you know
whats best for me
you thought you knew it
all along
i hate you for it.
and then you drive me home
in your car
i can't even stand to be here
scream
screaming silently inside

when i finally let it out
i hope you feel it
in your heart
i want to break it all
why is there no one here
to hear me cry
fuck you

are those words too harsh
yeah i'm losing it
but i lose it everyday
my face
i hold in my hands. someone please

JAde Abacus

How do I capture in words the way I feel?
What do I say?
I'm gonna have to stumble
over my thoughts until I get this one right.

There are the streets I walk down in search of the jade abacus.
Count them one, two, three, four.
My hands wait to touch the cool wet stone that holds the promise
Heal my pain.

So its as if I leave behind a trail for you to find me. A scribble here with these words I tell you a story. Written on the seat of a bench so that you might see it while you wait for whatever it is you hope is coming your way. Maybe if you see it then you will know you are not alone. I was here once too but I guess I must have missed you. That moment it first hits you is when love breaks through the barriers that separates us all.
And then it's gone.
I stop to ask for direction to, the name of the street, Shanghai Alley in downtown Vancouver. I didn't understand at the time why the man and woman gave me a look that made me feel dirty. I told them I was looking for the jade abacus that was just unveiled the other day. They eased up. The place was not far they told me where to go.
I found it. Walking down the small alley with apartment complexes on either side there it was. It looked like a gateway into another world. Vertical bars rose up and polished jade stones sat neatly stacked. Just waiting for our hands.
Set in front of open sky and green grass.
I stood on one side and moved them around.
You walked by and paused.
I told you jade is a healing stone.
From the other side you reached out
to feel the weight of the stone as it moved up. I wondered what you thought of.
As the rain fell,
I walked to the park that was beyond. Up the small hill I saw a water park. Water cascading down blocks, stepping stones that spanned across a shallow pond. I walked over it and jumped up there onto the blocks that made a small waterfall. To the top and then I saw the needle disposal units set up.
What is this place.
It's so pretty here and then this? Junkies hang out here, it's different by night. No wonder the couple back down the street gave me that look when I asked where the alley was.
I thought of the people there at night. Too stoned and wanting for their next hit to even notice the peace that this park had to offer. I sat down on a concrete block with the water running down beside me. I imagined the hollowed out feeling of someone who was here before.
Searching for something to live for.
That's when I saw it. I looked down. And the words were there. At first it looked like a part of the weathered lines that marked the stone. I could barely read it. Written with marker. Couldn't have been there long. I'm sure it will fade away forever quite soon. So I wrote it down in my notebook I had in my purse. With me it stays.
"I got.... ...... ......
not and love is and won't always be a part of ...
only path of my live.... ..... ....
but i'm calm and in my bliss ..his... baby boy 4 ever
is this your wish I could kiss her wish I tell her how sorry and ...I ...
.much I need her her love keeps me warm."

Who wrote it I don't know, but I found it and if the one he meant if for never knows at least I do. So where I had come to with only my eyes I could see. I began to feel release from the past and maybe all those hard feelings I thought you had were not so.

A heart that holds the message of love, just can't always be seen through all the things that get in the way.
Sometimes I thought you hated me. I thought you were blind to the love I had for you. Always chasing down the superficial experience that disguises itself and tricks your mind into believing you've found something worth dying for. I left you a note once inside a small container meant for ketamine. My love is for real I said.
I know you found the words,
did they break through to you.
I'll never know.
I am standing up against the wall. I leave a message for whoever finds it.
Maybe one day it will be me. I'll think back to who I was and realize
I'm standing in the same place. Still looking for that jade abacus.
Looking for love. Waiting and hoping silently for you.